In Pursuit of Dreams...

We are born naked, black, white or red or yellow- and with NO rights, just human beings who may be born into a royal family, but more likely to be born into abject poverty and doomed to starvation, abuse, disease, a miserable existence and early painful death. We truly have NO right to expect anything- all of our rights are taught to us- they are really only learned expectations (especially in our more developed country)!
Why should we be deserving of anything at all simply because we are alive and have deep desires, or want something really badly?  
A 'true' dream  is an inherent need, a seed implanted within us, or maybe it's genetic! But, that is not to say that we deserve to have it, or not to attain it.

To put it another way: How many boys in this country dream of being football/baseball/basketball legends, and no matter their skill or how desperate their yearning, how many actually attain it? Were these boys more deserving than all the rest? No, it's a matter of the luck of the draw, or the hand of God. (In which case we are never unworthy - or worthy enough.)
Of course we are told to have some expectations of good (it's written in the Bible), and that we have a certain place within humanity as 'special' if only to him because of who he is -only IF we acknowledge that and try to please him...
But he didn't actually promise a rose garden without trials (or that as a human, or a good person that we should expect to live out our dreams).
In my view, being a good person, or a gifted person, doesn't mean there is a reason to have the expectation or to feel deserving. It is out of desperation that we cry out unto God. After all, the hole in our heart HURTS us!
But if our luck is by the hand of God -I don't believe he would plant a seed within us and then allow it to lay fallow. (I believe he implants us with our dreams, just as he gives us our gifts - and they may be genetic or in our soul, I don't know.)

Most of us can attain happiness anywhere, because unhappiness is exactly equal to expectations unfulfilled- it’s a matter of letting go of those unrealistic expectations. But there are levels of happiness, too. Perhaps what I mean is really a state of contentment.If your dream is strong in you, then you can’t be completely happy lacking fulfillment of that dream, but you may find contentment.

"Do not part with your dreams or aspirations for when they are gone you will still exist, but you have ceased to live." - Henry David Thoreau

This is the mural I painted when we moved here and I realized that I would NOT immediately get to realize my dream of horse ownership. This was my attempt to satisfy the need- because somewhere along the way I learned not to take “no”. (it was over 3 years that I waited until we were ready and able...and the horse came along). 

But you may not yet know what dream or dreams you have within you. (Remember that phrase about the world being your oyster... you may have yet to open that shell to discover it!) 
 *See posts from October!

We are all so unique and on different time-tables of stages and circumstance. We blossom, we wither, we strive, we cocoon, we give up and give in, we fight and stand tall when we cannot take it anymore, and we are not always whole, because we are damaged, and we must RE-grow or find ourselves over time... and our dreams go along for this ride of life, either suppressed, or overbearing, or withered or growing and defining us as we follow the beat of our personal drum.
Perhaps your dream is simply to be loved and well-known, to have an intimate life-companion. But ask yourself this too- if you are truly happy where you are- if you will always wish to be near the ocean and wistfully yearn for the sand and the surf and the sun...  Are you truly happy without it? Do you feel complete, like you are where you belong? That too, is a dream.

So, you have dreams,  but they are of different types so maybe you don't recognize them as such. And of course they may have been driven off-course by overwork, or a house full of children... or some other  life-altering event.
One day you will wake up to the thought that it's time to search – to find yourself again and to discern what you still truly yearn for, for what completes you. It may take some work to discover, but then you can redirect your focus onto the next priority. For now, it may not yet be time for you to focus on your dreams. If you are still in the midst of some damage-control, and the mitigating circumstances you find yourself in now, it  may preclude your advancing into that realm of dreaming, of possibilities right now. It's a stage, and it's OK, just be patient. There is a time for everything.
[That is part of this hell hole of house-limbo because of our house hanging over our heads.  Who can feel free to dream at such a time? But, we can still research the possibilities-weigh the pros and cons of each direction - so when the time comes to move, we will have a direction and be sure of our path.]

As far as my own dreams and coming to conclusions about living with the purpose of chasing after “more realistic dreams”-  We are ready to downsize and yet to expand. I don’t know where we’ll end up, but I’m sure it will get snow. I can't really say that snow allures me... it's nice to look at but not when you have animals to tend to through 2 feet of snow, or places to go in a hurry (waiting for snowplows can be a problem). That's why I always say "I only like snow when it's in a picture on the wall" (or, the view out the window). But I know that we will succeed in this mission toward self-sustenance, whatever it takes. (Hubby mentions greenhouses a lot.....LOL)

I find life isn't worth living without the hope of attaining the dreams - they SUSTAIN me, the HOPE sustains me.
It's rather like a drug, something I NEED and yearn for involuntarily... especially those yearnings that I didn't put into place or create, but that are a part of who I am, what I am, what my life is ALL about , because on some level, dreams cannot be purged. They haunt you. You are paired up with them for life!!
(Of course I know it isn't completely true- because dreams can morph as we are affected by the changes we go thru in life- and most certainly there are more “worthwhile” things to strive for like ending hunger and other humanitarian type endeavors to put energy into than our own selfish visions... And I am not advocating a limiting or limited selfish/self-centered way of life or life-view, only that we work with what we have at any given time, and also that we go through stages and ages, and sometimes focusing on ourselves is all we’ve got. You’ve got to have something for yourself first in order to give of yourself....)

PS: I  believe that I will have a horse again, I just don't know if it will be Cheri, and I don't know when it will be or how hard it will be to accomplish. Sure, another summer wasted without riding, as I get older and my hips are stiffer, and my body hurts more, but i firmly believe that God's timing is always for a reason. Perhaps I am getting sicker with the fibromyalgia? In any case, no one rushes His answers, right? I waited a long time for Cheri, and I can do it again- I just won't be happy completely while I'm doing it.. And if I cry sometimes, then I cry. I’m no stranger to tears and I know that crying won't kill me. And, I know that God understands & hears me (after all HE knows me!) I let God carry it all!
 It's a thing between us...
And as much as I am tempted to get a definitive answer about the training progress of my horse right now, I'm sure that he'll let me know when he has a definitive answer, and I will try to wait!
I wish we had things to celebrate just now, but it looks like the tide is out on that. We will just have to wait for the tide to come in again, bringing with it all kinds of treasures hidden in the waves...
We just have to remember that the tide does come back in, and that it always brings us treasures (even if we have to dig for them, even if they are small).

 When it is quiet, where do you thoughts go? What keeps coming back to you?

No comments: