What, if not a dream - if not that most bittersweet desperation, drives us?

Jazz pianist & composer, Herbie Hancock's new album, is called “The Imagine Project”.
Herbie’s goal with The Imagine Project was global music collaboration as an effort using music the the golden path to peace), and it isn’t at all the Jazz you’re used to!
I heard him on TV the other night (I wasn’t watching so I can only make guesses as to who was interviewing or the program), and I just loved what he was saying. At one point he made referrence to playing with his mentor, music artist Miles Davis.

His exact words: “...I remember I played a real wrong chord at the peak of a great evening when Miles was soloing. He played some notes that made my chord right. It blew my mind. He didn’t hear it as a wrong chord, he just heard it as something that had happened and he took the responsibility of making something out of it. And I try to do the same thing myself. Take whatever happens and try to make it work.


What I want to look at though, is that wonderful Title he used for his project– I admit, things like that inspire me to open up vistas that I might not have before - to rethink things.

Now, I know it could be said that I have weakness for this ‘dreaming’ that I do. Sometimes it might be true, but it’s how I arrive at my goals. 
We are human, we yield to temptation, our dreams can seduce us and we can lose ourselves in them, so of course sometimes we need to be broken (oh, like a slap upside the head) before we can clearly see the folly of a dream we have held onto. We have a hard time seeing through our own blindness. Everyone KNOWS "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is".

This has happened to me. It is a very hard eye-opening lesson. My wonderful horse, a wonderful gift, has gone back to his previous owner. A beautiful horse can still be as dangerous as a wild mustang (what horse can't?) 
After so many months not being challenged with new things to do and see, not being used, only petted and walked around, he got spooky and resistant, testing me with a few nips.
Now I didn't understand his need for security from what they call a 'leader' (as a rooster to a flock might be). 
Clearly he needed to be re-trained on what he’d learned years ago - and we never were quite sure how far any training had taken him before. "Greenbroke" can mean many things.
There I was, out of shape with major arthritis and a bone graft in my neck -things I can’t afford to be hitting the ground with - and all I could imagine was the wreck that could be coming. 
It all really came down to Me: almost a 50 year-old "Greenhorn", and Him: a 9 year old "Greenbroke" (broke to the saddle but not to ride per se). 

So sad for me... it's been almost 1/2 a year and I still hear his hoofs hitting the gravel when I'm walking, still hear his nicker... and I turn my head to see if he's there. And then I fight back the tears. I imagined all the times I would've climbed up onto his sturdy back and felt him beneath me. I imagined how it would feel to be on the road with him under saddle, his mane like a flag in the wind. And then the image would turn into him spooked by a car coming around the bend, or someones trash in the air, or a rabbit darting past... and me on the dirt. 
But I can’t stay there, I HAVE to keep moving forward, not looking back.

The biggest challenge of my life, (ok, maybe not as hard as taking care of twin infants), my intent was to learn as I went along, but in doing so, not understanding the basics of training or how to read the signals he was giving, I knew that there was danger in making things only worse for both of us. 
After months of hating myself, for finally losing my nerve in the efforts of re-training, I thought it best to ask his previous owner what HE thought was best to do. So now the answer to my 25 year-long Dream is out on pasture in Arizona. 
He might “come around” with work (of his previous owner), and he might not. 9 years for a horse, might be half of it’s life already- and sometimes it’s hard to change a mindset like that! 
Perhaps this dream has morphed into something less dramatic/climactic, but it has not fizzled really. I still hold onto hope of it’s fulfillment and completion. We can never know the end until the very end.

And last I heard, he was ready to be ridden outside the round pen! Of course this is by someone he's worked with for packing trips for years, a someone who knows horses well, too. 

So I am spending the summer getting myself ready, physically fit to ride, mentally ready to take over the leadership role in horse-ownership, just in case he does come home. It’s not something I’m willing to give up on if there is hope. It still feels like the biggest challenge of my life! (And if by chance another horse finds its home with me, one better broke to ride, safer, then I have still done the best thing in preparation.)

Maybe I'll just find a pony....
It starts with thoughts of complete failure- with imagining the folly of doing nothing at all to be ready. After all, God moved a mountain for me once, right? So my dream moves onward with a small grain of hope, because there is NEVER a big ripe succulent juicy Hope, is there? No, it’s always doubtful, uncertain and unlikely... but it’s all we ever get, and it has to be enough. 

You’ll know, if it spurs you on. And so you imagine that unlikely but wonderful successful outcome. It becomes YOUR “Imagine Project”.
In your mind, you work out the steps it will take to gain that final success, the things you need to do to get there- the goals. You make a list to prioritize them, the little things you have to deal with that are in your way. It might be as simple as ‘making time’ in your life for a new habit like saving money – a new routine (or sacrifice) necessarily added to each day, or taking a class/training course. It might be all of those things – and more!

What do you live for, work for, pine for, cry about, obsess over? What dream drives you? What is your Imagine Project?

No comments: