Stop the Carousel-part 2

The Value of Painting a Scene with Words  
So sorry if I'm not doing well at explaining and you feel I’ve led you down an obscure path with this! Let me clarify further...

It doesn't take the writing muse or creativity~
You don’t need to formulate a story line and ending~
It takes only your thoughts to begin with. You just start writing a scene for your alter-ego to fit into and let it evolve with whatever thoughts you want to express or whatever you want to examine. It’s almost like free-writing. Let yourself go and see what comes up!
You don’t make up a character and start writing about a character. See yourself in any scene you wish to enter into - and write your observations there in that place, what you feel- what you might have concerns about. And then go back and replace yourself with your character- your alter-ego persona.
Then simply take your paragraph of your wishful thinking and change it to a 3rd person's point of view, that's all.
Replace all the “me” and “my” and “I” with “her” and “she” and her name...
You don't have to know her, she'll emerge by herself over time and become clearer to you as you examine her life. As her life mirrors yours... or takes off in a different direction...

It's not much different than writing to yourself in a diary really, only what this does is allow you to see your thoughts from a distance, to be somewhat 'removed' from the emotionality that personal reflection might bring out.
*It helps to see that my characters are not me and her traumas are not a recounting of my personal experiences, and even if it were a recounting, the purpose in this story is to enlighten others to the toll trauma in life takes on childhood...and what paths she takes and how those enable growth so that she moves on, uses the traumatic scars of earlier events for strength in adult life, gives her the ability to empathize with others and help them thru their life. Just like I've tried to do in my own ways.
This is the reason for the whole exercise of writing. What the payoff is, is I get to: 
 PURGE the remnants, get closure, get release, get to the nugget of what is valuable out of that.
You captured that brass ring from the carousel:

I get to see it from an emotional distance, even if I remember the depths of despair I might once have lived- and realize it's no longer true. I am no longer that same vulnerable girl. I've moved on, there's victory, there's life and vitality that overcame those scars. And using Illoura, I can manage her responses, her growth, her direction in life to make her experience (of the same basic thing) make her better for it, make her life turn out better for it.

NO ONE ESCAPES TRAUMA or scars in this life- why let them ruin your chances for a better life? 
Of COURSE there are ramifications from life that leave scars, but we have to find a way past that. She illuminates the way for me. 

For my purpose, her name is ILLOURA - she is like a beam of light to those she touches in life, BECAUSE she knows the depths of despair and lonliness, because she knows pain and fear, because she overcame them and used them for her own good - she learned the lessons life offers thru it’s traumas.
The point is that by inserting a 3rd person in this free-thought exercise of expression, you gain a distance that allows for OBJECTIVE THINKING. That's the critical difference between using an alter ego to carry your troubles, and just expressing yourself in a diary. There is a feedback kind of thing that happens.
You wouldn't want your alter ego character to just languish forever stuck in one state of being and never know love again- would you? Would you allow her to wallow in self pity or regrets, or bitterness for more than a few pages? No, (what a lose, how boring!) you will figure out ways for her to respond to her feelings, but then gently introduce her to healing. To life, to herself, to love, again. And as you examine what will enable, empower, her, you will see better what will enable and empower you... for this is what you share.

Following is one attempt to illustrate how you might tease out what inner issues are holding “you” back... flesh it out in (the character) Arnette’s world and see for yourself what the issue is and then experiment with solutions or ways to work around the issue(s). One at a time. From here, you would let Arnette feel everything. Let her live the frustration or loss, then let her in on the flash of insight and then revel in the solution:

“If I could be anywhere today, this is where it would be……sitting in the sand at the edge of the water; watching the sand crabs scamper and the seagulls float above me …..scoping my hands with their aerial vision and bird-prayers for a glimpse of bread.  I dig my heels into the wet sand and let the salty water wash away the dirt and grime of the city stress that seeps from my pores.  I wish for a perfect piece of sun-bleached driftwood and the chance to linger until sunset.  Let me close my eyes and dream of sailing away into the quiet of the sea….the wind at my back…..white sails and blue skies…..peace.”

            “Arnette sat in the white sand at the edge of the water, watching the sand crabs scamper and the seagulls float above her, scoping-out her hands with their aerial vision and bird-prayers for a glimpse of bread.  She dug her heels into the wet sand and let the salty water wash away the dirt and grime of the city stress that seeped from her pores. A long sigh escaped as she looked for a perfect piece of sun-bleached driftwood and the chance to linger until sunset.  She wanted to close her eyes and dream of sailing away into the quiet of the sea….the wind at her back…with nothing around but white sails and blue skies…peace. But true life was pulling at her, demanding she return, and there was no one she could rely on for reprieve.
            Oh how she yearned for time alone, quiet, a chance to reflect and collect herself once again. She needed to find herself again, regain the balance she once had.  But perhaps she was trapped in this busyness and obligations for a reason. Perhaps to shield herself from going within, from touching those things that made her lose sleep. It was true that she didn’t know what she find in herself after all this time. She might not like what she found there. 
           She might have to face the fact that she harbored long-held resentment, bitterness, and the desire for revenge! She realized too that hearing her name brought twinges of guilt for hating it. But she’d been named after Uncle Arnold on one side of the family tree, and Aunt Claudette on the other- people she’d never even met, who’s images in photographs were blurred. They’d left no special legacy for her to carry on or live up to. She pictured the pig, Arnold, from the old TV show “Green Acres” every time she heard her name, and Claudette sounded to her like a heavyset, backwoods CLOD. A clodhopper... Why should she be associated with those things when she was nothing like that and had no real connection to the past? It made her mad! That was the harsh reality. Just as being near the ocean no longer held meaning, no longer lifted her spirit as it once had, her name no longer fit who she was.
            Lifting herself to her feet, she drew one last lingering breath of the salty air. She looked out at the gray waters, and felt the grit of the cold wet sand. The air smelled like rotting seaweed and wet dog.
            “It’s time to change my name.”

Sweet little Arnette, she's trapped in some internal war, she's oppressed by memories of the past and is haunted & depressed & fighting back, in turns. That's no way to live, and the proof is, that she's lost her sense of joy in things, her ability to absorb the same quality of life she had before. She deserves help out of that pit, don't you think?
Don’t you wonder now what else she might do on her newfound journey to reinvent herself?
So this is a way of enabling and then tracking your own progress toward getting past whatever obstacle holds you back in some way. You may have simply lost your way, you don't know how you feel about taking a certain direction, or maybe are unsure how to respond to a possibility  or a responsibility,  but this distanced way of viewing your experiences thru someone else allows you to see it all from a Godlike point of view rather than so close to yourself- it allows you to see the bigger picture, to fill in the blanks, to create a flow in harmony with yourself, from that higher level.
You gain perspective. That's huge, because you can better see direction, better seek direction... because you are working to pull HER out of it, you illuminate the path for yourself, or decide not to go a certain way.
It is simply a prettier worksheet than a worksheet.
You can examine the pros vs cons of any choice and not have to reap the consequences.
 You can envision an alternate life, an alternate course using her - and see if it fits for yourself.
 See if the direction you send her on results in a downward spiral or one that brings a climax (or quiet resolution) to her life! If it worked for her, why wouldn't it work for you? YOUR BRAIN WILL MAKE THESE COMPARISONS... it's all laid out before your eyes for reviewing the pitfalls, and possibilities!

Each entry you make can be only 1 paragraph or 2 pages- it doesn't have to be a 'book' or even a continuous story/ journey - just scenes will help to flesh out the inner issue for you to examine.
Ooooooh, and if you want to just play- make the winter doldrums beautiful with a virtual day in the sun, walking through an orchard with gold leaves falling all around “her” and a glorious light overhead, anticipating a hot mug of spiced cider when “she” gets to the other side ... well what's wrong with that?
What’s right with that either?
If I can write out the overall sensory perceptions of what I imagine to be the perfect horse and how it feels to ride up on it in the countryside, with views far in every direction and the smell of fresh mown hay, or the glint of frost on the fields and express how clear and cold and crisp it is by painting the scene of steam rising off his glistening coat, or coming from our noses... whatever I wish to imagine, then I’ve given myself a gift that was free, was invigorating, was inspiring...  and fuels my motivation to get physically ready & financially set up for that one day coming.
Because that perfect horse is out there... and I want to be ready when it’s my turn to realize the Dream.

If you truly want to attain your dream,
       #1 you must find ways to keep it alive beyond the dreaming-
               #2  you need to find ways to apply practical steps that make you ready. 

I suspect once you begin this process, you will be enthralled; unable to stop….consumed.    
Even if you  have lost the will to dream, having lost all your previous visions and dreams, writing this way may give back that part of yourself that you’ve lost.  

Don’t let go of hope, my friend! 

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