A Dream or a Goal? Where is the Transition?

My reality is that I'm kindling Hopes and Dreams, just as you would blow upon coals to rekindle a flame.
Although I may seem to take an inordinate amount of pleasure in my little dreams, my outlook is not light-hearted. They seem such simple, almost silly 'dreams', but these aren't really dreams, in my reality, they are survival goals.

I won't launch into the bigger economic picture, but I will say that the flame that kindles the ashes of hope is not at all strong enough to re-stoke the fire... we will continue to live on the edge as long as this picture remains so bleak. 
I label my goals "Dreams", because it allows me to see a longterm picture to work toward. I NEED something to work toward, and surrounding myself with things that produce food security for a time of possible scarcity, is really about all I can do. But that in itself is NOT motivating, nor do I want to live my life from a place of fear.

It’s a way of distracting myself from the potential losses that are looming straight ahead of us, like a train barreling down the tracks, and you can see that the train tracks go thru your living room. 

These dreams are a mask over the reality, that my longterm goals are something  built up from an experience in adversity. I have strong reasons for the insecurity.

My projects are simply a way to stay busy and not give in to the fear. I tell myself to keep moving, keep working at it - it may be my last chance, and I get only one shot.

If I have many pans on the fire, then I’ve got a chance that one of them will produce something. And then I'll be ok. (There's no real reason to think that- only that it’s all I can come up with, and I'd know I've given the rest of them my best shot).

These aren't exciting or fun things to do as far as ‘dreams’ go, they are backup plans should all else fail.

The train is coming and no man (or Gov't.) can stop it, it will soon be each man for himself. THAT is the image of the future that I have. I am simply trying to do more than hope, for some form of security.

The coals of our life here in this house remain, but little heat remains in them. I will keep blowing my hopes upon them, but they do not spark up the coals to warm the room. And even if they did, I know that this room, (this house), will/could one day soon be gone - and I'll be out in the cold, holding my coals in a bucket (blowing my hopes upon them- just so they don't go completely out.)

My biggest hope is that we hold onto the house until the end of this 5-year BK plan. It's a tenuous hope, and it has been so, since we entered into the plan, but it was that, or give up and take our losses, completely without any hope at all.
The security of our lives now hinges on this economy - and you know there is no security there.

For now, I turn my back on the coming train and keep picking the flowers on the sides of the tracks (making plans & goals toward the dream of security). I can hear the train and feel the rails shiver under my feet as it barrels down the tracks. 

'What I don't see can't hurt me', is how I choose to live thru these days, but still, I KNOW what's coming. So I keep busy, busy making this day seem as good as yesterday- as though the fruits of my labors will actually one day mean something concrete - when all along I know that tomorrow the train could catch up to me and it will be too late.

Maybe it's more pretending, than dreaming, but it allows me to continue to cast a little more breath of Hope onto those coals, to keep them alive. One day I want to know that that Hope is not all I’ve got.

So I 'dream' of making my own clothes.
This is not quite a ‘dream’, but it feels like one, in that it's something completely new to me, a real stretch to reality.
I do often dream of having a real 'wardrobe' to pick and choose from. 
One I like, for once. 
And to do that, since I'm so picky, I'd have to learn to sew to patterns - or something akin to it. 
However, I’m not sure if I want to invest my time in this endeavor yet. For most assuredly it will take time.

I have several thoughts at once:
1) The clothes I like, I can’t really afford unless I learn to make them myself. Maybe not even then. It’s the material. Not something exotic, but something made of cotton- it’s just lacy or knit...and you can never find these things in any kind of department store or fashion store! You have to find them at Tibetian places, or upscale downtown boutiques (you know, with fancy original names).

2) My sewing skills usually only extend to hemming and replacing buttons, though I have successfully put in zippers, made a wrap-around skirt, curtains, and a few pillow case dresses (for toddlers), so I guess I’m farther along that I think I am.
I like the idea of repurposing used shirts or things, but then you end up with a warehouse of odds and ends fabrics. And quilting takes too long. I’d much rather find little things - like this -to make:
Isn't it adorable?!

I have no keen like of things like a bluejeans skirt (made from two pairs of jeans), but the little aprons and purses I’ve seen made from the jeans butt (with pockets) are adorable (I’d never use or wear them though).

I like SOFT and loose fitting, elegant but casual things. I hope that makes sense. I love lace, but not-so-much things with lace trim.
I love layers. And sheers. And flowers.
And plaid (but wearing it is another questionable thing).

Oh, and I hate t-shirts (necklines at my neck and MAN SLEEVES!)  
I HATE turn-down collars and button-up shirts –stiff things you'd wear to an office. 

I’d like to be able to make my own underthings – but loose fitting in that realm means Bloomers – probably the best  'passionkillers' aside from Grannypants. No thanks. At least not yet.

Oh wait, maybe I’ve just changed my mind!

Colette Patterns has a wicked cute FREE pattern for bloomers! 

Do them in a pink plaid, super-soft silk or even a stretch lace with a scalloped edge...Va-va-va-voom & Happy Valentines!

I’ve seen the cutest mittens using thrift-store sweaters (look for those with embroidery or appliqué’). If only I had a GRANDDAUGHTER *hint, hint*, that could wear them. Sometimes I think I’ll have to start keeping dolls around, just to dress them up.
Does anyone else do this?

and 3) My preferred style doesn’t go with my lifestyle.

Nope they just. will. not. mix! I’m not exactly a country belle. I put nail polish on all right. And then go out and pick up 1000 little sticks off the ground... I put on my pretty pink Ked’s. And head out to the Coop (just a quick check for eggs)... that’s me!
Does anyone else have this problem? IS it a problem?

But if I were going to add this skill set and take the time, how would I find patterns? Am I a combination of hippy bohemian, Romantic Boho, Boho Prairie, Prairie Grunge, or Shabby Romantic Prairie Chic - or something else altogether?
(here’s just an example of my taste, although I like long skirts much more  – lace and flowers, even if it’s a bit ‘frumpy’ or rumply: 

casual top  casual skirt  (but think mid-calf in length)

I love the UN-simple Feminine look. But I live a Tomboy life; a simple Farmgirl life.

I wear a farmgirl hat. This is my hat! I live on a dirt road, hardly ever have company, and never pose for pictures, so what’s the point in having the pretty things, just because I love them? I wear my husbands’ worn-out (and soft, comfy, loose) 501 button-fly blue jeans.
No, they are NOT cute or at all sexy. They aren’t even slightly flattering. I’ve embraced my country life with my whole heart, and have even learned to live with shorter nails.

But maybe I shouldn’t.

How do I decide (you know, if I were to decide to decide, whether or not to pursue this as a goal?)

Oh yeah on a brighter note (than winter coming)----------------------------
(unfortunately after this photoshoot, he flew away)
I hope he’ll be back. I’ll mind my manners and only take pictures from the house. Promise.

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